How Time Flies! (Continued)

With that last conversation came a wave of unexpected lessons, processes, procedures, and death I had never experienced before in my life. I had experienced, when I was 10, the death of an uncle. His was murder, quick, and we knew who did it. Answers, court, justice, then multiple generations left with “trying to heal” from this loss. My biological dad’s “death process” was quick, at the local hospital, and wave after wave of quick decisions, movement, signing of papers, looking for those “lost papers”, looking for pain medicine for 48 hours due to an “administrative hiccup”, and conversations filled with “trying to fix” the issue, to 4 days later speaking with my dad openly, honestly about what I felt was going on internally in his body, to forgiveness, to not wanting “pastoral care” to come for confession or last blessings, to speaking of a man I had a “date” with. The list goes on of what was talked about. The one I remember the most was the reality of what was happening in his body. Multiple, huge masses, attached to organs, eating away at the organs, and depleting his body, eventually his heart. He asked me by the 3rd day into his care, “Tell me, what do you think of all of this?”…..There it is…..rubber meets the road, a shift into the “Lucid” from the “crazy thoughts” he’d had many times before. 

“Dad, you won’t let the tests be completed, there is no “diagnosis” the doctors can give fully to us with confidence, and(NOT BUT), it looks as though your internal organs are covered in big masses, possibly “a cancer” that is aggressive, fast moving, and honestly….IT’s TIME TO REST.” Speaking this all while crying and trying to be clear enough he could at least hear me. He brought his hand up to his hairline, brushed his thin hair back, and said, “I’m just so tired.” Yes, I knew that he was tired. Tired of seeing things that no one else did, tired of mentally and physically “running away” from what he never understood or what was “comfortable” for him in his head, tired of the things he felt and saw that gave him “information” that a majority of the time was NOT reality. Tires of seeing “the static” when he was around someone like me, family possibly, or someone who has the heart of pure, healing intentions when around him. I begged God to “heal” my dad my whole life. I didn’t “want” a paranoid schizophrenic father. The reality of that would be then I could be, my brothers could be, the children my siblings and I have could be…..what would happen if one of them was? I’ll address that some other time. 

When my father made his choice to rest, he passed 8 days later. I was with him everyday, and not because I was a “daddy’s girl” like everyone said I was at that time, but due to my healing path, my ability to understand people go through waves of death, birth, life, and I’m not the only one….I wanted to be authentic and honest and honor the man who gave me life. FUCK ANYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE…..for this time frame. This was the end, saw on him the first day, this was a “battle” I knew I came home for, it was just sooner than I thought. 70 years old is young to die, yet, is it really? It was his time. 

I will continue…..In time.