As mentioned before, in Part 1, this writing may seem like a “ramble”, it may seem like it’s “unclear”, and it’s due to the fact this is the first time I’ve written of an experience like this; ever. I have written of travels, faith, listening to the Holy Spirit, and I have found I wrote from my heart. This writing will be a test to see if I can record, in some way, experiences that cleanse the spirit and clear the soul of others. I pray I can write without the residual of the shit I walked into this past weekend, I pray, I write, and I hope that it clears the “crap” out of my head and soul as well.
Cleaning is a normal part of everyone’s life, in some way or another, the standard at which one believes their home is clean is determined by how they perceive cleanliness. Some believe they are sitting and living in a “clean” home when to others perspective it is utter chaos, filth, and gives off a sense of that person “not caring” for themselves. We are all human and judge, we don’t even come close to knowing what’s happened or is happening in one’s world for them to have the chaos around them and not perceive it as such, and there are times one knows what the truth is for that person, knows what happened, and knows what could be done to support this person.
I have someone I know, have known for years, used to call her a friend, and supported her in ways others wouldn’t. I don’t and won’t, at this moment, call her a friend. That “friend” status went away when luring me into risky situations started, when lying to me on a consistent basis was normal for her, and when she would “disappear” for huge chunks of time away from her family and people she knew. She believed “nobody knew”, nobody really cared she disappeared, and everyone had no fucking clue what was going on in her world. What she didn’t know is a majority of her family and “friends” knew what was going on, knew that one day we all may see her obituary in the paper, or she would “disappear” for real and no one would know how to find her. My constant prayer, for her, for the last two years was this….I pray he doesn’t kill her this time, I pray I don’t find out she’s dead, or the worst one is this…I pray she doesn’t kill herself over this relationship.
There were two times I felt I needed to reach out and just make sure she was alive; December of 2020 and then June of 2021. Both times I heard in prayer…reach out just to let her know you know she isn’t ok. Reach out to make sure the image you see of her death is “not real”. Both times it took days before I got a response, indicating to me, she couldn’t “check” her phone without her partner threatening to kill the person she was texting or talking to, or threatening to kill her, or threatening to torture her. During this “check in” time, I could tell she was not ok, I knew she was not safe, I knew she would never give me the truth or full information about her situation. This was fine with me; when one makes certain choices, doesn’t know how to get out, choose to stay on that course because of shame, blame, unworthiness, wanting to be “right” about what they perceive their life to be, or just plain don’t want to know the truth or hear the truth. Been there, done that, and honestly, personally, learned I’d rather “look bad” then BE RIGHT; when and if others feel the need to tell me their truth. Others perspectives usually are right.
These two check in’s with her went as they usually do…no need to stay “attached”, only issue is I am usually right about what I see, feel, hear, and get in prayer for her. The second check in, in June, was triggered by such a horrific vision of her death I had to check to see if it had happened already or was going to happen. she responded a couple of days later saying she wasn’t doing good; yet still with her partner.
Ok, I’ll leave it at that again, I, at least, know she is alive. I tell myself to “just let go” of what I see, feel, hear, and experience of her, even with not being in her presence. I finish up my adventure, come back to the surrounding areas of Madison, and settle back in. August 2nd, I’m contacted by this woman, “out of the blue”, and asking me to go to a festival with her, that is all weekend, this past weekend. I follow my path of praying before responding and ask, if he’ll be there, helping me determine that my answer will always be NO if he is with her. She states she hasn’t talked to him in four weeks. Again, not knowing whether to believe her, knowing she is a huge risk to me in all ways in my life; I choose to tell her I can come for Friday night, might not stay all night, I don’t normally “party” anymore, and that’s all.
I remind myself that this will take every ounce of my patience, grace, forgiveness, love, and determination to just go see her. I remind myself this is my choice and I could choose to do something different and that she is someone that God has had me connected to, even if I didn’t want the connection. I go through my week, plan some stuff for Saturday morning, and then Friday morning hits and seems as though my day is starting off really funky, I get some personal news I really didn’t want to hear, I broke something of mine by not being careful with unpacking it, and I was starting to feel anxious. I haven’t had this had this happen in awhile, prayed, and continued to allow myself to follow what prayer gives me.
I make my way to this woman’s place, north of Madison, it’s a long drive from where I’m at, so I pray on my way up there. I start to be revealed in visions that I am staying the whole weekend with her, I see the weather is going to thwart the “moving” I was planning on doing on Saturday, and I see it’s going to be a weekend that was supposed to happen for her and I. Great…what in the world am I getting myself into with her? I ask myself before I even get there.
I get there, she is almost done with her “at-home” job, she had to start doing due to her partner threatening to blow up her workplace; talk about a smart thing for HR to send her home. What a risk she was to her company as well. She says she has cleaned up so I would be comfortable and right away I tell her that on no level, in anyone’s right mind was her place clean. She was shocked by my response, I was thrown back by my response, and I knew then this was going to be a different kind of weekend.
She started to cry, I started to sway, and she looks at me and says, “I needed your truth.” I begin to pray softly, tell her we can go out, but don’t be surprised if that what we stop doing to come back here to pray. We “go out”, she spews her disdain for men, partners, and knows all of them are abusive. I watch as people are, literally , trying to keep their mouths shut for fear of telling her their truth, I can see the people she calls friends, treat her like shit, gossip, judge, and laugh at her. She doesn’t seem to notice this; I do…big time. I keep my distance from her while she is doing this, I keep my distance from the groups of people she is talking to, and I am completely assessing how this night will go. I tell her I’m done, about 45 minutes into being at the festival, and she starts rambling off all the things we can go do and places we can go party. I tell her no and that I want to go for a drive. I am safe when I drive, I can pray while I drive, and we will be “forced” to talk while driving.
We drove for awhile, I listen to everything she has been through, and she just doesn’t know how to start over. I turn to her and say, “we will go back to your place and pray. I will show you how I pray, how I do it, what it sounds like, feels like, and what good comes from it.” She agrees and I ask her if she is willing to allow this process to go forward.
She believes she is a Christian, has lived inside the four walls of the church with hypocrites, with abusers, with pastors who were fired because she confessed her family history one day and her family had them fired the next; twice. She grew up with abuse from all angles and doesn’t even know when or where it started and it hasn’t stopped since; she is 49 years old and acts like she is 12 years old. That is where the wheel in her life got stuck, the pattern of her thoughts stayed there, she has never done or even sought to grow personally, and it’s dangerous for the soul and spirit. Too much wishy washy shit can creep into her life, as it has, and continued to do for a long time.
We get back to her place, clear a spot to sit, and I start to pray – first time in months I open my heart to the Holy Spirit and God, pray, and start feeling her waves of abuse, her waves of hurt, her waves of healing to come; I say a couple of things: 1) Allow the waves to come through you and 2) Let it go to God, He is the one to take the waves from us.
She cries, she tells me she has never felt that before, and I tell her we can do it again later or in the morning; I’m wore out. That night, I slept like shit, I was “stuck” by a sewing pin left in her couch somewhere, that I refused to get to find in the middle of the night, and I dreamt of chaos, tornadoes, a life in darkness…I tossed, I turned, and when I woke up…this woman was standing over me telling me of all the “things” we were going to be doing, as if she had been awake for hours. I told her I wasn’t doing shit until I had my coffee and prayed and saw where the spirit was taking me today. She felt good…I started to feel sick to my stomach.
We drank coffee and talked until 11am on Saturday. I hadn’t eaten, my stomach was starting to clear something out, and I told her if I was staying another night I needed to get more stuff from my place. We drive to my place, talk, and after everything I had heard so far, the only question I had was this…what do you want me to do? She had no idea, she said she knows I’m strong, she said she knows I’d tell her the “truth”. I told her I e done that before and people still choose to live the way of the world or they actually do what I suggest. I told her she was the one that was going to have to be willing to make those choices. She understood.
We get to my place and my blood sugar crashes dangerously…she takes care of me, it takes me about two hours to recoup. We are laying in my bed, holding hands, and another of her waves comes, during the worse time ever, I feel sick, I feel hot, I feel cold, I am shaking, and all she keeps saying is “just don’t let me go.” I start to breathe, I start to pray, and I allow God to do whatever He is using me for…within two minutes I feel fine, I am feeling her wave pass through me, and she is crying, telling me she can feel something healing her. I tell her it’s God. Simple as that. No questions, no if’s, and’s or but’s about it.
We start to feel this wave become smaller and smaller, it’s moving out of us, both of us, and we start giggling as if we just turned 5 years old, felt healed, and we are ready for the next round. We figured out something; to NOT deny the wave, to allow the movement of it, knew we were together for this specific purpose only, and God knew this from the beginning.
We hop up, go back to her place, I ask her about the fact that if she gave feedback on this weekend, which wasn’t even close to being over, how would she care for me. She said she will make sure I am fed, I am taken care of since she sees and knows the physical toll it’s taking on me, and she would pay me. This throws me back, I didn’t ask for payment, and she technically owes me for things I have paid for in the past. It was as if this was a normal and comfortable conversation. As if she knew she needed to close the gap of actions she hadn’t closed in the past. I knew then she was going to care for me the rest of the weekend.
We buy some cleaning supplies on the way back to her place and I tell her we are going to clean her place, create order, claim back her apartment and things as Gods and hers, and we do it as long as it takes to feel it’s done. Now, all the while, I am telling her exactly what I thought and felt about her living situation. Telling her what should be acceptable and not acceptable in her space. I am down right brutal and in her face about all of this; I risked her coming after me like a crazy lady telling me to leave, while all the time, she knew I was right.
The waves would come and go throughout the night, her space is small and it didn’t take long to finish, and I tell her that’s it…..we are done. I pray over the doorways, I pray over the windows, I pray over the furniture, I tell her to reclaim her place back in the name of God and that I will never do this again for her. She understood, I said I have taken on the waves long enough, I have handed them up to God long enough, and that the risk, physical toll, and the fact that I still don’t know what way she will choose going forward is enough for me to decide I cannot be around her if she chooses to dance with the devil again.
Her place had order, had been cleaned and had been cleansed. It’s time for bed, she wants to stay up, I say no, it’s time for bed and rest. I fell asleep, dreamt of a victory on a football field, and woke up to this woman, again, hovering over me before I’ve had coffee telling me one thing…..you saved me. I hate it when people do that, their brain connects my actions, my looks, my stories, my truth to me and only me, and I tell her I didn’t save you, God did. We have coffee and I sit her down again and tell her she has to acknowledge that I couldn’t have done any of this weekend without God. I reminded her I now need to rest for a couple of days and pray for myself that God will heal my body and restore it. She understood, she also understood I was done coming to her when she called or texted me. She paid me and I drove home before 9am on Sunday.
I turned my body inside out, my spirit around, and allowed my soul to be used for God to work in her life. I praise God he gave me the skills, words, and strength to make it through her cleansing and clearing. I prayed I be rested and replenished by Him, and I prayed how to get back up, know I can be just me, and know what to do next for God. It has takes a full 36 hours for my body to feel “normal” again, to feel as if I, personally, am myself, and to start reflecting on this experience.
Do I believe God did this?…YES. Do I believe the demons she was battling were brutal as fuck?…YES. If it makes me sick almost instantly to walk into her space, I knew I was up against spiritual warfare. Do I believe God is amazing?….YES! It was His will, His way, and His wisdom that came through me and created order, even for a short time, for someone who needed it.
Now the true test is…and something I cannot or will not be attached to is her outcome, future, or choices she makes from here on out. I don’t, won’t, and can’t have control of that.
For now I am still resting, I am writing, and I will reflect again soon.
S
Ask, Seek, knock and God Provides 